Do You Have a Jealousy Problem?

Are you a jealous person? If so, do you at times feel like you're crazy or irrational for being so possessive? So greedy of your partner's affections, or so needy?

Jealousy is a very normal, human reaction to situations in which we feel like we're being ignored or usurped, as a Yale study mentioned in the recent book Out of Character: Surprising Truths About the Liar, Cheat, Sinner (and Saint) Lurking in All of Us indicates. Researchers set things up so that a group of two people — woman and a man — were asked to work on a problem-solving task.

The guy acted all charming and flirtatious — but when another female participant arrived, ten minutes late, he lost all interest in the first woman and focused almost entirely on the second. After about 10 minutes of that, the person in charge interrupted the trio, informing them that there can be only two people in each group. The male turned immediately to the latecomer and said, "Want to work together?"

Now, of course, the male was in cahoots with the psychologists in charge. Everything he did was pre-arranged. He was supposed to flirt with the first lady, then pretend to lose all interest when the second arrived.

When the first woman got dropped, what did she do? In many cases, her face literally dropped. Other times, she let out a gasp. Or she said nasty, scolding things to the other two. In other words, she got extremely jealous ... of a man she'd only spent a few minutes with, whose interest in her wasn't even real.

The researchers' theory was that the jealousy instinct is tied pretty directly to self-esteem. Self-esteem increases when others like us, and decreases when they don't — and because we feel better when people like us, we are motivated to protect and nurture our relationships with others. Jealousy — as primitive as it can seem — probably helped motivate the cave men to fend off competitors who wanted their women, quite possibly by threatening to bash them over the head with a club.

These days, of course, it's illegal to engage in such behavior, and rightly so! None of us want to turn into a Lisa Nowak — the NASA astronaut who drove 900 miles from Texas to Florida, in a disguise consisting of a wig and trench coat, while wearing an adult diaper (so she wouldn't have to make a rest stop) with a small arsenal of weapons (including a four-inch buck knife) so that she could corner her ex-boyfriend's new girl in a parking garage and threaten her.

But a little flutter of jealousy now and then is not necessarily a terrible thing. It may motivate us to put a little extra energy into relationship problems. It may help us to ask our partner to have a talk, so we can discuss some behavior that's been upsetting us. It may get us to realize we've been feeling neglected by someone we're dating, and that we generally don't love the way he treats us — so that in fact, maybe we're better off without him.

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Just don't go buying any adult diapers and stay away from hunting knives, and chances are, your jealousy is nothing freakish.

Source: teen selfshots

How to write a killer dating profile

If you take time to write a killer dating profile you’ll be rewarded with more responses from the type of people you like, and you’ll also have a ready-made About Me section if you swap sites.

When you sign up with a site, they will ask you to pick a user name and some kind of headline (more on the headline here). Try to make your screen name stand out a bit. If you opt for Deborah1975 it suggests you haven’t got much in the way of wit or personality. Try to pick something that doesn’t require a string of numbers after it. Something clean like thenewsinatra or lastbohemian is good for your killer dating profile.

You are then asked some questions. Most are just tickbox, multiple choice affairs, but a few (the crucial bits) require you to say some stuff in your own words.

If you spend any time at all reading online dating profiles, you will see that most single women in Britain are “as happy in killer heels as hiking boots”. Of course, nights in and nights out are equally popular, as is red wine and cosy nights in front of a DVD, ideally in front of a roaring fire. All very nice pursuits, of course, but they make for a very cliched dating profile. Our killer dating profile will do better than that.

So what is the secret to composing something that’s fresh, sums you up and isn’t a real chore to write?

It’s really simple...

It’s this...

Get a nice, big blank piece of paper. Buy some pencils, biros, fluorescent markers and whatever stationery floats your boat because it’s time to get creative. In the top third of the page, start jotting down as much as you possibly can about yourself – don’t censor anything yet.

Come on, everything: what your interests are, what matters most to you, what you couldn’t live without, your job, how you feel about it, your dream job, what type of holidays you like, films and other entertainment and any quirks you have. Whatever crosses your mind.

Think back to all the bad partners you’ve had and note down what made them bad! Feel feel to write down anything at all, including all your worst fears, dislikes and prejudices.

And what are your core values? This might sound a bit OTT but it’s very important for writing a killer dating profile. Shared values are probably the most important thing when it comes to finding a match.

After all, a man and a woman might share their three greatest passions – cycling, food and family life – but if one of them’s a hard right-winger who backs massive cuts to social security benefits, and the other is a social worker, are they going to get along?

This brainstorming is the core of your killer dating profile – put some effort into this and the rest will fall into place. Starting a whole profile from scratch can be a dispiriting experience, especially if writing isn’t your strong point. Brainstorming is much easier and more fun.

So what does Katie, our hypothetical 33-year-old internet dater from London, have for her killer dating profile after 10 minutes?

"Outgoing, running, adventure holidays, event manager, peach allergy, Mike Leigh films, hate cheats/liars! Wine, Greek islands, family time, hate cheats/liars!, indie cinema, 80s music, karaoke, pub quizzes, pointless conversations, walking in forests, Peep Show, shoulders! Open to moving out of London – countryside? No moodiness. Non-smoker, easy company, no neurotics! Start my own business? Kids!??? Not too sports mad. Addictions – no boozers, stoners!"

Okay, a good start. You can always add to the list. You’ll notice that the ghost of relationships past crops up when she says “Addictions – booze???!!” and possibly in the bit where she says “hate cheats/liars!” It’s understandable but we think a bit pointless.

You might as well pick from any number of things – after all, does she want someone who never communicates, or who’s got huge debts, or who’s lazy either? She could list any number of things from the range of human imperfections. We’re not advising against it but remember not to sound too bitter and on edge.

As for the more positive type of lists, they can be a good way to paint a picture of your life, so that those with a similar kind of approach can single you out from the crowd.

They go wrong when people are too specific about what they are looking for. You need to be reasonable and realistic about what is truly non-negotiable. We asked Sarah, 38, to describe what she is looking for. She said:

“Hmmm. Funny, tall, kind, probably with dark hair, non-smoker, good looking but not ridiculously so, into the same sort of TV and films as me, intelligent, same sense of humour, not obsessed by sport, likes a drink but not too much so. Probably left-leaning, not massively into politics, but aware enough. Self-deprecating, warm, thoughtful, good in a crisis – ooh able to do flat pack furniture, good with IT, charismatic, maybe ideally a couple of years older than me, but not too much more. Confident, but kind of sensitive.”

Wow. He sounds great. Daniel Craig might play him in the movie. In other words, she is asking a lot there. Just by stipulating hair and height, she’s cutting out thousands of men, many of them otherwise suited to her. So if we twisted her arm and demanded that she chop that list down to four things, she might say:

“Arrrrgh, get off my arm: funny, confident, non-smoker, kind.”

Much more reasonable.

* Read all the articles in this great series at selfshots under the Dating tips section.